We saved you a seat.

Hi mom,

Today we went to the movies, though, I’m certain you already know that.  You loved the movies and it was the first day all summer the kids and I all had some time at the same time to be together (a rare occasion I know).

I had been wanting to see the movie IF, which I understood to be about imaginary friends.  Come to find out, the little girl in the movie lost her mom too.  That one hit home.  For all of us.  Regardless, it was a beautiful and creative movie and I know you loved it. 

I wanted you to know though, that on the way to the movie, the kids insisted we stop at the dollar store, because that’s what you would have done.  In fact, they said, “mom, Gaga never took us to a movie without a dollar store stop.”  I didn’t protest, because it made me smile.

You should also know that while in the store they demanded we get circus peanuts in your honor.  While these remain some of the grossest candy to ever be created, I’m sure they will always love them, because of how much they love you.  I even choked one down in your honor.

Ellen even petitioned for Good and Plenty’s…but she was shut down because and I do quote “those are disgusting and only Gaga liked them.”

On the way to the movie theater they all talked about how much you loved the movies.  They laughed about how sometimes you’d load all 7 kids in the car and go to the movies all by yourself with them, even though I had asked you not to do that.  You were naughty like that sometimes.  But, they remembered, and they loved it.

They talked about how you had to sit in the very back of the theater so you wouldn’t get sick and how you got all the fun candy and loads and loads of freshly (and aggressively) buttered popcorn.  They laughed together as they talked about you.

When we arrived at the theater, we saw an advertisement for the new Minions movie.  They remembered this was the last movie they saw with you and they insisted we go see it the day it comes out, July 3^rd of this summer, so mark your calendar, we’ll save you a seat. 

When we got in the theater there was an empty seat next to Fletcher on the edge of the row, which is exactly where you would have been sitting.  It’s like we saved it just for you, though I have learned nothing like this is by chance.  Signs. They are everywhere is you are open to seeing them. 

While all of this, as well as the plot to the movie, made me feel very sad about all you are missing, it also reminded me about the importance of time and how lucky we were to have so much with you. 

One day my kids will read this and I want them to be reminded too.  You gave all of us and everyone who knew you, your time.  Which, frankly, is the greatest gift we can give anyone.  It says “you really matter,” because the person giving that time will never get it back.   When you think about it like that, it really changes your perspective…or at least mine.

I want you, and them to know, that your time with them mattered.  So much! They remember everything and Bryan and I will work hard to make sure they never forget.  But, how could they?  You gave them your undivided, fully attentive, loving time.  They felt your love and knew you would rather be with them than anywhere else in the world.

It’s a lesson I hope we can all emulate. 

Today I was sad.  I felt like you were sitting in that row with me.  I could almost hear you very loudly ask me a question in the middle of the movie (not knowing how loud you were because let’s face it…you were basically deaf).  It made me laugh out loud at one point and I glanced at the empty seat next to Fletcher and I almost felt you there.  I could hear you opening your candy and crunching your boldly buttered and heavily salted popcorn, and I smiled.   

What I wouldn’t do to sit next to you in a theater one more time.  What our kids wouldn’t give for the same opportunity.  We all felt that today.  Deeply.

So, I had to come home and write about it, because we both know that’s how I heal. 

To anyone reading this, especially someday to my five amazingly beautiful miracle babies (not really babies anymore)… …if you have time…spend it with your people. 

Fletcher is only 9 today and he remembers every detail about your Gaga, because she gave him (and everyone else) everything she had to offer.   

As I said before, they say the greatest gift you can give is your time because it’s a portion of your life you can never get back.  If you love someone, give them your time.  You won’t regret it and neither will they.

Miss you forever and always mom and we will always save you a seat.

See you July 3^rd in the theater with circus peanuts.

Nan