I have known a good portion of my life even as a young kid that I wanted to grow up to be like my mom and that I wanted to do something for a living that made a difference in the world and in the lives of children. So…it was a natural thing for me to become a teacher, like my mom and to be in the lives of kids.

When I was given our God week topic, I initially thought it was weird.  Frankly, I wasn’t a fan.  The question is “what is something in your life that GOD has given you that you don’t deserve.”  I initially had lots of thoughts there.  The easy answer was to say my husband or my kids.  While I do believe they are amazing, wonderful, awesome humans and I am wildly blessed to have them as mine…it seemed too easy an answer.  I don’t take the easy route, so I felt it needed to be deeper. If I’m being asked to witness to my students…it needed to be better than the obvious.

So, I was driving yesterday giving it some reflection and I had just finished praying my rosary.  My mom had been weighing on my heart so I was listening to videos I had taken of her and we were having a “conversation.” Literally right at that point a cardinal flew right past my windshield. It was then that it occurred to me, the gift I was given that I don’t deserve is the opportunity to live with and take care of my mom at the end of her life.

I believe my mom is a saint.  I’d have to take the whole day to maybe convince you that she was indeed a living, walking, breathing saint on this planet, but I truly believe in my heart that she was. So, right there, not sure how I deserved to have her not only as my mom, but as my best friend and someone who helped me raise my kids, but I did and I’m grateful. 

In order to give you some context, this is a person who grew up in the worst possible circumstances.  She was abused before she was even born.  In utero her mom drank in excess and chain smoked, causing her to be born at 7 months old (28 weeks) at just over 2 lbs. and 22 inches long.  While in labor my mom and her mother were given their last rights because no one thought either would make it.  She remained in the hospital for 4 months before leaving and was deemed a “miracle baby.”  So right there, that helps make the case for sainthood in my opinion. I’ll always be grateful God decided she was worth saving.

Once out in the world the abuse continued, but only grew worse.  She was abused in every possible way by people who should have cared for her the most. Most of this abuse came at the hands of her own mother and later her stepfather.

She was often left with strangers or in public places at a very young age and unfortunately, that also led to sexual abuse. 

To give you just a small and PG version of what it was like to grow up in her home I’ll share one of the many stories she told me over the years. Once when she was 6 years-old her family had just been evicted from their apartment.  They moved to a new apartment in the slums.  It was in the basement of a 3 flat and to use my mom’s words “very scary.”  Her dad had disappeared, as he often did, and her mom was getting all dolled up to go to the taverns to drink.  My mom was preparing to be left alone in this very scary apartment in the slums of Chicago and she begged her mom not to leave her.  Her mom got a blanket and said, “Ellen, if you put this over your head no one will know you are here and you will be safe.”  She then walked out the door and left her 6-year-old home alone so she could go drink herself into oblivion.  My mom contested that this experience was why she loved to be covered in blankets until the very end of her life.

Again, that is one of about 100 stories like this that I could tell you and this is among the tamest. 

As I grew up, I knew her family but she kept us at a safe distance.  We would visit her mom and stepdad them on the weekends and I only really knew her mom as a scary person that I didn’t like very much (those children instincts are real).  As I got older my mom started sharing stories of her childhood.  Most of these stories were told as precautionary tales about how to treat people, who to trust or not trust and why she had some of the rules she did. 

The more I learned the more I disliked this woman my mom would force us to go visit and spend time with. 

I couldn’t understand why she wanted to be around this person that had caused her so much pain and misery and never one time protected her from some really bad people. 

Later in her life my mom took care of her own mom as she died and later her step dad, one of the people who tried to hurt her.  In fact, Pete, her stepdad, died in her home while she sat at his bedside.  This is the kind of person my mom was.  You took care of your family and you forgave, even the worst of them, because in her mind, her mom, her stepdad and all the people she encountered in this world were only doing “the best that they could” (her words).

As I became a mom, and I had her living with us, we talked often about parenting, life etc. and I learned so much from her about how to be a good, kind, caring, generous person who fought for the underdog (a favorite cause of my mom’s) and who loved people despite them maybe being not all that lovable (a trait that served her well in her teaching career). 

As she grew older and became sick it was so clear to me that I needed to get some of these stories on video so her grandkids who grew up knowing nothing but her in their life could watch them as they were older and truly know how special she was. 

In one such video, that I was listening to yesterday, I asked her about her mom specifically and how she could forgive her and she very calmly said, “I believe she did the best that she could.”  I, of course, vehemently opposed this statement. NO. SHE. DID. NOT. 

She giggled and said, “well, she didn’t do a great job but she did what she was capable of.  She had no help and from what I can tell, she had no real friends, only people to drink with at the tavern.  She was mentally ill and didn’t get any help, so she did the best she could.”

Amazing.

What perhaps is even more telling about the kind of human she is was the kind of human she became despite all the obstacles in her way.  She was basically on her own at a very young age.  When she was 11 her mom had another kid with her step dad so she basically became a mom in 6^{th grade}.  She was routinely left alone with her infant brother for days at a time while her mom and step dad when on days long drinking binges. 

She could have easily fallen into the same trap and repeated the cycle of poverty and abuse that was the only thing she knew, but instead, she made a choice.  Without a doubt one of the most important lessons she taught me was that in life…you always have a choice.  You can choose to feel sorry for yourself or you can stand up…put one foot in front of the other and decide to live your life differently and go to work.  With hard work anything was possible, she always said that. My mom was living proof. 

My mom told me that as a child (6-7 years old) often the only thing in her fridge was Budweiser beer.  As hungry as she got, she said she never took a sip of that beer, because she never wanted to be like her mom.  So, what’s even more incredible, is that she made that conscious choice at a really young age to be different…to be better.

My mom was the first person to graduate from college in her entire family.  She was the first to become a teacher and she was the first to break the cycle of abuse and poverty that she was raised in.  She had 4 brothers, all of whom had one tragic tale after the next.  So, of the 5 kids that were raised by Mary Lee Thornton, only 1 of them truly fully escaped this cycle and it was my mom.

My mom was a teacher for 40 years and when she passed away, many of her former students sent us notes and letters about how she literally saved their lives.  I believe it, because I saw it with my own eyes.

She was a saint and I got to be raised by her.  She got to help me raise my kids.  I don’t deserve that.  I thank GOD for that every single day.

Perhaps what I deserve least is the fact that I got to take care of her in death.  While that was extremely hard and challenging at times, it required sacrifice from all of my kids and especially my husband…but what a gift it was to me, and to them, to show her love and care the last 14 years of her life. 

I lived in awe of my mom her whole life.  I was so incredibly lucky to be raised by this woman and I was so humbled and honored to care for her in the end of her life.  It was hard.  I hated seeing her suffer.  But every time I left her room after giving her meds or making her eat or do her exercises, she would tell me “thank you Nan, I’m so lucky to have you.”  I’d tell her it was my pleasure and that I loved her and she would always respond with “I love you more.”

I would then respond with I love you most.  We’d both laugh and I’d go back to doing whatever else I was doing. 

The day before she passed, she told me “thank you, (as she often did), I’ve never felt more loved than I did living in this house with you and your family.” 

These are words I will never forget and always be grateful for.  I was able to lay beside her the day she passed with my beautiful sister and sing her her favorite Irish lullaby; one she sang routinely to her grandkids when they were growing up.  She got to pass in her home, like she wanted, with her favorite people by her side.

What an amazing gift, one that only God could provide!  I’m not going to tell you it was easy, because it was not.  But…I will tell you it was most definitely a gift I did not deserve.  I spent the better part of 2 years praying, as did my mom, that she would not die when I was away with the kids or volleyball or at school.  I prayed she’d die with me holding her hand and that is exactly what we both got.  I cannot explain to you ever in spoken or written word what the meant to me, but I can tell you, I will spend the rest of my life thanking GOD for that moment.

Finally I want to share a few things I know with absolute certainty…

1. If you get the chance to forgive someone, do.  Refusing to forgive someone hurts you more than it does them.  My mom was the ultimate forgiver of people who wronged her and I hope someday I can be as forgiving as she was.
2. When given a choice, get up and fight.  Choose to believe there is nothing in this whole world you can’t overcome or do.  I’ve seen it and I know it’s possible.  Gaga believed that more than anyone I’ve ever known.
3. Be generous.  If you have money, with your money, if you have time, with your time.  My mom’s generousity was one of her greatest gifts (just peep our mail…all…the…charities)!
4. Smile.  Just about everyone I know that knew my mom talked to us about her smile. It was like the most pure and beautiful thing in the whole world and as she often reminded my sister and I…smiling opens doors. 
5. Be kind.  You have no idea what cross someone is carrying and my mom went through life carrying a lot of them.  She believes her life was saved and transformed by the love of a teacher (a nun) in her Catholic highschool and my father.  So, you never know what being kind can do, it can literally change the trajectory of someone’s life and that’s pretty freaking cool.  All of you have that power…please, I beg of you, use it. 
6. If you ever get the opportunity to care for your aging parents, do it.  It’s hard and it will sometimes feel like an incredible weight, but you won’t regret it.  If and when it happens for you, find me.  I’ll buy you a drink, hold your hand, say prayers and talk you through it.  I wish I had that and I’m happy to be that for anyone who is living it.  Caring for your parents in death is an incredible gift.  One I most definitely didn’t deserve.