Crying in Costco

Sometimes, you just have to cry, like a good, deep, embarrassing cry.  A few weeks ago, I went to Costco as I usually do.  My mom loved Costco; it was one of her favorite outings with her friend Marie.   Back when she could drive there herself, she always came home with treats (many of which I did not approve of), lots of paper products and a rotisserie chicken that she’d feed to our dog.  All of that makes me smile to think about.

I can never go there again and not think of her love for this place…I know Marie feels the same way.

Nevertheless, Costco doesn’t allow family memberships but since Gaga, Bryan and I lived in the same house we thought it was stupid for us to have two memberships for one house, but my mom insisted her name be on the membership and alas my name was not on said membership. 

It hasn’t really been a problem, until it recently, when it was.

It was All Saints Day and in honor of our new angel in Heaven I wanted to make a dinner Gaga would have loved for the kids.  This required a visit to Costco.  However, apparently Costco is cracking down on your name is not on the card thing so here I was checking out and someone aggressively told me I could not.

I tried to calmly explain, was again told it was not possible and I then promptly burst into tears.  The poor woman who was helping me initially looked at me like I was crazy.  She had a look of “it not that serious lady, get it together.” 

I explained to her my mom had died just a few weeks prior and I have been doing most of our shopping for years with this very membership card and it’s never been an issue. We just never got around to changing her name to mine on the membership and since we all lived in the same house it shouldn’t have been a big deal.   Well, she disagreed.

If we are being honest…what I should have told them was to look up my credit card number and see how much money I spend there every week…because I’m pretty sure when she saw that number, I could have saved her the sob story and myself the embarrassment.

Regardless, mid tears, my friend and favorite Costco employee Steven (who was on a break) saw me out there and came to see what was going on.  He gave me a big hug and told me to be strong (doing what I can there Steven, doing what I can). At that point this woman felt sorry for me and realized I was not some criminal stealing someone else’s Costco card and instead saw me embracing one of her coworkers…so she overrode the system and let me check out with my All Saints Day Gaga dinner. 

I was grateful, a little embarrassed but ready to go home and make a feast for my kiddos.

The reality is, that this was one of the first times since my mom had died that I’d really cried…and this time, to a stranger.  Good times had by all in that moment.

Grief hits you in the weirdest places, like the checkout line at Costco and you can’t stop it because it moves at you like a wave in the ocean that you see coming and know it’s gonna knock you over and wash you ashore with your mouth full of salt, but still even knowing all that, you can’t dodge it. 

However, I am convinced more than ever that in those moments of vulnerability and “weakness” you teach the people who witness it a little about humanity and a whole lot about empathy.  Things I think we can all agree our world could use a little more of.  So…crying in Costco or whatever your version of it is…is a gift.

My mom always told me that she believed people do the best they can. She said this about abhorrent people who did awful things to her and I always marveled at her ability to feel this way.  So, I try to remember this as often as I can.  People are doing the best they can so when we meet someone who’s a little grouchy or inpatient, maybe they are mourning the loss of a loved one, or a failed marriage, or a bad diagnosis.  Cut them some slack, they are doing the best they can in that moment.

My own breakdown in public was a reminder to me that I needed to have more compassion for those around me who are less than their best.

I’ve looked for my mom in every corner of every place and circumstance I’ve been in since she passed.  I’m often frustrated when I can’t hear her voice or feel her presence.  I suppose on those days I’m just not listening closely enough.  However, now I can see that on that particular day she was there, in Steven’s presence, in how the woman who initially wasn’t willing to help me changed her tune and shared in my humanity and vulnerability in that moment.  Either way I walked out the door with my All Saints Day feast and my heart felt a little less empty. 

Today, I shared a conversation with a friend who is struggling.  It was not a planned conversation, simply put, we ran into each other, I asked how she was doing and her floodgates opened.  She was embarrassed and apologetic (like I was in Costco) and I was reminded of this story and how I never shared it and that maybe I should.  At no point in this conversation with my friend did I feel like she had a single thing to apologize for or that she should be embarrassed in any way.  Life can be messy and hard and what is the point of having friendships and fellowship in our shared belief in God if we don’t share our struggles as well as our triumphs.

So, if you need to cry in Costco, or wherever you are, I say go for it.  Also, I’m your girl.  Give me a call, come on over, we can chat about how sometimes, you can’t keep it all together and that my friends, is more than ok!