To my kids when they are adults and one day in crisis. Or really for anyone who it might help…
So far 2023 has been a challenge. My favorite human on Earth who has lived with our family for the past 14 years died on October 2, 2023. To put things in perspective and because my soul needs to write…here are my initial thoughts as I say goodbye to one of the crappiest months ever.
- Grief can literally cause physical pain. It’s weird, but you can actually feel your heart hurt.
2. Just know…this too shall pass. My mom said it all the time and it’s true. While right now you feel that hole in your heart that is both physical and emotional…you should also know that you can do this, even though it’s really hard. Think of all the other times in your life you’ve struggled and you felt defeated. You weren’t, because you are still standing, so remind yourself that your track record for getting through challenges is pretty damn good.
3. Put one foot in front of the other. Another Gaga-ism. When things are hard you only have to take one step at a time. As I’ve already told you, this too shall pass and you will come out on the other side…in many ways you already have.
4. We can do hard things. Remind yourself over and over and over. You can do hard things. You already have, so you have concrete proof of your triumph over hard things, so keep on keeping on. You got this…I promise.
5. Keep your faith. I cannot imagine what people who do not have faith do in a crisis. I feel sad for them. Pray. A lot. Ask God for forgiveness when you feel angry about your chaos and ask God to give you strength (because you will feel angry). True story, in fact, when Gaga was dying, I flipped off the good Lord at one point. I did. I’m ashamed but at the same time, I know God understood. I was mad that in my mind she was suffering in her final moments. I was assured she was not suffering or feeling pain. The real pain was happening to the four of us in the room watching her go. Regardless, I asked for his forgiveness. I felt bad that I had that moment…but I was reminded at mass (during my favorite part) when we say “I am not worthy that you should enter my roof but only say the words and I shall be healed.” It’s a reminder that we don’t have to be perfect for God to love us and want the best for us. Ask for forgiveness and you shall receive it. That’s pretty awesome. Hold on to that.
6. Pray a daily rosary. It helps to pray to our Mother Mary. Does anyone know suffering better than her? She had to watch her own son be murdered and could do nothing to stop it. She gets it. And she literally feels your pain. Ask for her help. She will provide.
7. Someone always has it worse. My mom always said this to us too. In Gaga code it meant hard stuff doesn’t give us a right to be a jerk or to complain or to use it as an excuse to not be who we were meant to be or show up for others. I’m not sure why it’s comforting in crisis to know this, but it is a reminder that we shouldn’t complain about our chaos, because every person we encounter has their own cross and it may be heavier than ours. So, we have this shared humanity that should remind us that we are all in this together, we can do hard things and we need to keep showing up regardless of what we have on our plate.
8. It’s ok to not be ok. If you need to eat a pint of ice cream or sleep in the middle of the day when in deep crisis, go right ahead. It’s ok. Sometimes grief hits us in the most unexpected places. I recently broke down in tears in the hallway when talking to a 16-year-old student. Poor kid. I’m sure I made him uncomfortable but hopefully I also taught him that it’s ok to let the grief wash over you in those weird and random moments and that because we are strong, badass people we can allow ourselves to be vulnerable because vulnerability is a strength…never a weakness. We who are good at it, give others the freedom to do it themselves. So have a good cry, say a bad word, then keep bouncing back the way you were meant to and put the one foot in front of the other.
9. Eat. When in deep grief or crisis food often doesn’t seem or sound appealing. But try. Eat something. Preferably something that nourishes your body a little. To be strong we need food and when in deep grief you need to be strong for all those around you.
10. Sleep. This one is harder than most on this list. Admittedly, it’s my worst one but the rosary helps.
11. Work. One of the greatest medicines for feeling sad and grief is work, at least for me. It was for Gaga as well. She always talked about being grateful for work. Being busy does not mean we can ignore our feelings or our sadness but it does help us with the put one foot in front of the other mantra. When we accomplish little goals, it helps us realize we can do the bigger, harder stuff too. I’m so grateful I have meaningful work that fulfills me and that I work in a place where I can ask for prayers and I’ll actually get them. That’s beyond awesome. I pray you work somewhere like that too.
12. Ask for help. Admittedly, I’m not great at this. But…I’m working on it. Ask for help. It’s ok to say, I have too much on my plate and I need someone to step up and help me. For example, I asked for help in planning my mom’s funeral. Someone helped make a video for the memorial, someone helped make programs and song sheets, someone helped with the set up and take down. I could NOT have gotten all of that done with all I had going on leading up to and following my mom’s death. So, I asked trusted friends for help and they were happy to do it. People want to help, so don’t hesitate to ask, it makes people who love you feel useful in a time when they don’t. No amount of help can make you less sad when experiencing intense grief but it can make you feel a lot better and help you know you aren’t alone.
13. Demonstrate Gratitude…in all the ways. When someone shows up with dinner, send a thank you note or text. When someone goes out of their way to help you or your kids, send a thank you note. Wake up every morning and find something to be grateful for. Thank God for your own life and the lives of your children every day. Even when we feel like everything is a little out of control, we can find time to be grateful. For example, while I’m so deeply sad about my mom’s passing and I miss her every second of every day, I am so grateful she was my mom. I’m so grateful she was your Gaga and I’m so grateful that she’s in Heaven no longer in pain. I’m grateful every minute of every day that I get to be your mom…We can always, always find something to be grateful for, even when it’s hard.
14. Be vulnerable. People who are vulnerable teach others the way. They teach them how to grieve and how to do hard things. It’s ok to admit you are sad or angry, that demonstrates strength, not weakness and don’t EVER let anyone tell you anything different. I assure you people who struggle with vulnerability wish they could be more like you.
15. Show up. You can be in chaos, experiencing deep grief but you also have to show up for what’s still important in your life. For me, that is you kids and my kids at school. I can’t shut down my life because it’s in chaos or because I’m sad. I have to show up and do what I do best because I can do hard things. So…can you. Find a way to show up for the people and things in your life, even when your life is hard. I promise you that you won’t regret it, it will help you heart heal and you will help demonstrate to others how to do the same. The world needs more show the hell up people.
16. Exercise. Holy Smokes…this is key. Even if it’s to take a walk each day out in nature, you cannot stop giving your body this release of endorphins. It’s necessary, it’s healing and I won’t lie…some days, it’s gonna be so hard. You won’t want to do it. Your body will feel a type of tired you cannot explain (like you are pulling a semi-truck behind you when walking around), but when you get out and go on a walk or run, lift the weights, do the yoga…whatever it is, you will feel better and it will help you heal.
17. Look for signs of the people you lost. They are everywhere if you just keep looking. Everywhere. My mom died one month ago and I have at least 4 legit examples of how she has showed me she’s ok and that she wants all of us to be ok too. Perhaps my favorite one happened at her funeral. When we were little mom sang an Irish lullaby to us, then to you kids when you were little. When she was dying, I laid right next to her holding her hand and I sang it to her in her ear over and over. I had not told anyone that other than the people who were in the room with us in her final moments. At Gaga’s funeral, the pianist, who I later found out was planning to play a different song, started playing that exact Irish lullaby. When I texted the pianist the next day to ask her how she knew to play that song she just said, after listening to our beautiful eulogies about Gaga she felt called to play that song as a final send off. That’s not a mistake. That’s the Holy Spirit and that was Gaga telling us she was home, pain free and with Jesus. That moment is something I will never forget and one I will always be grateful for.
18. It’s ok to be happy, there is no timeline to grief. No one is going to judge you if you laugh with friends or go on a trip and enjoy yourself…life is meant to be lived and when we lose someone we deeply love, it’s a hole that will never again be filled…but it doesn’t mean we stop living or stop laughing. The people we lost don’t want that and deep down you don’t either.
19. Guilt is a symptom of grief. My best advice here is this. Live a life that doesn’t allow you to be left with feelings of guilt. Leave nothing unsaid. Always give the extra hug or kiss, never be afraid to say I love you, spend time with people you love. Quality time is the best gift you can give someone. If you do that, there will be nothing to regret because you gave the important people in your life the best of what you had to offer, your time. I know I did that with my mom and while I’m still so sad she’s gone; I don’t feel regret and I’m so grateful.
20. Cut yourself some slack. It’s that simple. Don’t beat yourself up when you have a hard day, it will happen. Be kind to yourself.
21. You will find yourself at times wondering where certain people in your life are during your chaos. You will find yourself lamenting about the people who have not shown up in the way you thought they would or maybe feeling angry about those who haven’t shown up at all. Being upset about this makes you a human, and it’s ok…but I can tell you it isn’t productive. It only fuels the anger you feel about your grief. I’d recommend you instead put your focus on the people that DID show up and be grateful (this won’t always be easy). Those are your people. Cling to them.
You will feel this and it’s ok. Cut yourself and others some slack 🙂
22. Rain…for whatever reason rain makes you feel sadder. Maybe it’s just me, but we had a few really dreary days this October and it wasn’t the best. Just a fair warning.
23. Finally, marinate in the good memories. Gaga was my favorite person on the planet. She was the toughest, smartest, kindest, most generous person I have ever known and likely will ever know. She loved me more than any person could ever love me (someday when you are a parent, you will understand). But, regardless of how much I miss her, I want to talk about Gaga, laugh about her funny stories, cry about missing her, look at pictures of her beautiful face and help her legacy live on. Help me do that. Find people in your life to help you do that when you need it.
While I know that this list will probably evolve as I move farther into this, I wanted to get something down on paper in the hopes that it would help me as well as help you someday.
I love you more my little humans (not so little anymore :(),
When all else fails…this…
Mom
#Celebr8Awesome 